Updated Blogroll and Big Thanks

I’ve added OkKimonos Blog to the blogroll. I’m not sure why the store is Ok! Kimonos and the blog is styled as OkKimonos. I admittedly know nothing about branding outside picking fonts.

As I alluded to sometime last week, I’ve felt like I’ve fallen away from the community and I wanted to thank everyone who’s been keeping up with BJJ blogging because reading through the posts helped me feel like I was picking up as though I never left. Special thanks to these guys (sorry for not knowing everyone’s real names…):

  • Brendan (Ok! Kimonos). You’ve been awesome sharing posts on Twitter that I keep feeling are targeted toward me and your emails help me feel a part of the community.
  • Can (Slideyfoot). I love your blog. Being able to read through what you’ve been teaching helps me feel a bit better about missing classes.
  • Chelsea (TAP TAP TAP). You’re probably one of the most awesome people to write a blog. I love the perspective. You definitely make me feel like a wimp for not pushing myself harder.
  • Jezus. Knowing that you’ve been reading pushes me to keep writing which in turn forces me to keep up with the community.
  • bjjmindset. Your comments are one of the reasons I got back in rather than just quitting. Thank you. I’ll probably hit you up for leg lock defenses once I can get back on the ground more freely.

Struggling With Superman

As I’ve gotten older I’ve had to face a terrible reality: I am not Superman.

In the last two years I’ve felt myself slowing down a lot. I’m not pushing it hard in rolls when I do them, and I haven’t been for awhile. If someone’s much more athletic and wants to just do circles around me, whatever. I’m not that guy any more. I used to be, but I’m not. It’s not a belt thing. It’s not that higher belts go slower. I’ve seen plenty of higher belts go all out when they roll. It’s not an age thing. I’ve seen plenty of guys older than myself go much harder than I do. It’s just a thing that’s happened from a lot of injuries and taking breaks when work was too stressful and prioritizing other things over the roll.

It’s been really bugging me lately that I’m not back to where I was. I mean, I invested years in working out and building techniques and I feel like a lot of that investment has been lost. I can tell you how to do a textbook yama arashi, but when I try it on someone it’s like my hands and my feet just don’t know what the other is doing any more. I feel like that guy who everyone suspects of having an honorary belt. I know the move. I know the setup. Come execution, flop.

It’s actually really hard for me to acknowledge that. It bothers me that I can’t follow the advice I could give people. I could tell them how and why their throw is failing, but for myself it’s like the knowledge is just gone. It’s embarrassing. It’s not something I want to readily admit. Having said that, if you’re feeling like this after a break from an injury or life getting in the way or anything else – you’re not alone. I’m right here with you. We’re going to be okay though.

We’re going to be okay.

Book Report: Where Meat Comes From

Chuck Palahniuk – yeah, the Fight Club guy – has a book which is a series of short stories called “Stranger Than Fiction”. The second chapter is titled “Where Meat Comes From”. It’s not long, only 19 pages, but it’s incredibly accurate. The story is summed up best by Palahniuk himself after he describes cauliflower ear:

“At best, this is a postcard from a hot, dry weekend in Waterloo, Iowa. Where meat comes from. From the Northern Regional Olympic Trials, the first step, where for twenty dollars any man can compete for a chance on the US Olympic Wrestling Team.”

It’s a story about what we love. It’s a story that made me sad, smile, and even laugh aloud on the plane a couple times.

Each part of the story is like a miniature conversation about wrestling, and to me each one was complete. Cauliflower ear, why the sport seems to be dying, cutting weight, the instant camaraderie when you recognize another wrestler, missing pain when you take a week off, the injuries, the brotherhood with your training partners, the shift toward MMA, having to quit after the major injury… I’ve never wrestled the way these guys have wrestled, but the experience seems to be universal to grappling.

I found myself thinking back to my own injuries and my own versions of each story. How Beth hates when I’m cranky, starved, and thirstier than I think I’ve ever been on the drive up for weigh-ins. The judo tournament where I was 0.2 lbs over after spending all morning running in the gym with my parka over my gi over my sweats, and forcing myself to finally make weight by sitting in the car with the heat cranked until a fifth of a pound of sweat was caked into my clothing. The feeling I get every time I see someone with cauliflower ear and I get this smirk as I ask “So, how long have you wrestled?” and they inevitably ask “How could you tell?” and I just point at my ear and I’ve never had anyone do anything but laugh and say something along the lines of “Yeah, that’s a dead giveaway isn’t it?” Being in my doctor’s office talking about how I really need to quit, but that I won’t. Any time where either I’ve accidentally injured a training partner whom I was close with or a close training partner has accidentally injured me and we just laugh about it because we know it wasn’t recklessness, but just the way the chips fall sometimes when you go hard.

It’s an incredible summary of the sport to me. I wish I could carry it around and when someone asks why I wrestle give it to them to read. I can’t really explain why I love what I love, but somehow the social proof is there when I’m not the one explaining why after umpteen broken bones, two heel hooks, and a couple of back injuries I’m still on the mat. When someone else explains for you, it makes loving what you do seem less insane because that guy loves it too.


A little over four months ago I was heel hooked. I’m still recovering. I’ve been doing what I can in judo since then, but ground work or randori has largely been out of the question. I had an MRI done finally. The results show that there’s not a partial or full tear, just the signs of previous injury, so at least structurally I’m on point. The pain is still pretty bad, but at least I know that I’m not worsening an injury by trying to train through the pain. I’ve started doing much more difficult exercises for rehabilitation – my personal goal is to get back to pistol squats on each leg in terms of the amount of stability and strength the ankle needs. The balancing exercises have been good too.

The hammer exercises are going well. I’m slowly working my way down the shaft making the exercises harder and harder and seeing the gains in my grip and shoulder strength. The other day we were at Dick’s and joking with my wife I started curling the 40 lb. dumbell. I feel pretty good about that. It’s not that it’s an amazing curl or anything, but more that I’m keeping strength up even though I’m not really wrestling or lifting.

That’s pretty much all that’s new. Judo when I can make it. Hammer exercises as often as I find the time. Ankle rehabilitation like it’s a job.

By not training I’m finding worse problems than just feeling like I’m getting out of shape. I’m finding that I’m not as connected to the grappling community as I once was. I’m not reading blogs like I used to. I’m not buying new DVDs or books. I’m not paying attention to the tournaments or rankings. I’m not spending time talking about grappling and as a result I find myself less interested. It happened when I stopped training MMA too – I stopped watching UFC fights, I stopped looking for wrestling techniques for MMA, I just stopped being a part of the community. It’s a pity.

It very often feels like life gets in the way of training. Unfortunately, somethings are more important than training for me right now.